TK Sanders
Looking to spice up the Christmas season with some XXX-mas fun? Just don’t masturbate (yes, masturbate) with breakable Christmas ornaments.
The only reason such a ridiculous sentence need be written at all is because human beings consistently try to stick foreign objects into their vaginas and rectums during all seasons of the year. Come Christmas time, though, ornaments become popular apparently, and one European doctor is tired of seeing patients with shards of glass or plastic stuck in their private regions.
“It is not advisable to masturbate with Christmas ornaments,” Dr. Sarah Welsh, a gynecologist who also cofounded a condom brand called Hanx. “Christmas ornaments can have sharp aspects or pieces that can break during masturbation, which can cause soreness and bleeding. The risk of trauma is just generally unsuitable for your vagina.”
Other Christmas treats that happen to be long and skinny also pose a threat and should not be stuck anywhere sensitive. “Due to the hygiene issues, concern about pieces breaking off, or the sugar content of items such as candy canes [make them a bad item to masturbate with],” she continued. “Anything with sugar in it, such as Christmas confectionery, should also stay well away from the vagina as this disrupts the delicate ecosystem of the vaginal microbiome and can predispose you to vaginal thrush infections.”
Turkey basters, glass baubles, and even circular ornaments have all made their way into X-rays over the years. As such, some doctors have even started social media accounts dedicated to the strange and slightly funny X-rays they have seen of rectums and vaginas.
Data from the UK’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System says there were 13,213 cases in which people ages 25 to 64 inserted “decorating items” in their bodies in 2021 alone, according to reports.
But these types of ridiculous stories are far from a European phenomenon — Americans stick things into their bodies all the time that won’t come back out and require emergency services. The New York Post reports that last fall, a Michigan man got six kidney beans lodged in his urethra during a bizarre attempt at sexual gratification. And in September, a 27-year-old man in India had to be hospitalized after apparently shoving a deodorant canister up his rectum, where it remained for three weeks before he meekly asked doctors removed it.
Welsh says that seeking masturbatory pleasure is nothing new and nothing to be ashamed of, but advises folks to stick to legitimate sex toys. “There are many suitable, and certified, sex toys on the market available that will do a much better job.”
