Malcolm Henry
We’ve all been there. Our date bought us too much bourbon. Our fingers cracked open too many hard seltzers. We have too much time and too many sippy cups. It’s happened.
The morning comes and we’re still drunk. Or maybe we’re just stranded at a bar on the edge of Disneyland and too f****d up to call a taxi. The spaghetti monster in our skull needs to find our hotel. Our eyes (are there still two?) need to read our phone so we can call a taxi.
We need to sober up quick.
Luckily, there are some tips for this. Yes, we know, they say that only time will sober you up. One drink per hour of a 12 oz. beer, 5 oz. glass of wine, or 1.5 oz. of 80 proof liquor.
Yadayadaya.
But did you know you can:
- Gain weight. Serious muscle weight. We’re talking maybe two-dozen pounds. One way to do this is to look in the mirror while puffing your face up like a blowfish and simultaneously making a duckface. Squint both eyes half-way, therefore your vision becomes more panoramic.
- Remember that life is subjective. You are the creator of your own Universe. If you want gravity to work for you, in your life, get on your hands and knees and start crawling around. Stay as close to the Earth as possible because it ain’t right higher up in elevation. Stay low. You also cannot fall down when you do this.
- Find the nearest malfunctioning hot tub. After that, look for the time-machine settings. They are somewhere.
Tip: Before getting into the water, grab the swim ring that should be somewhere on a wall near the tub. Don’t drown. In conclusion, don’t really try this, because if you’re this drunk, you might drown. Find someone else to figure out the time machine settings for you and jump in at the last second. You must time it right. Missing the time-hop will render you alone, possibly naked, by a malfunctioning hot tub.
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